Letting men down easy (for men and women)
Stalkers. They’re everywhere. After listening to so many women tell me that some guy they know won’t leave them alone I get that there’s a problem. My only question is… “Why do they keep coming to me?!!”
I’ve worked in and run men’s and women’s groups… so yeah, I may have some thoughts. But, so… I know about this? Really?
If I help out the women now…. isn’t that like batting for the other team?
But the more I thought about this the more I considered it. In this situation we think its the women that are in trouble and the men are being aggressive and in control, and so only one party is getting hurt. But what is really going on? And who is winning?
She’s not winning. She doesn’t want anything to do with this relationship…. (anymore at least…. especially if she had been seeing him at some point). And he’s definitely not winning. She’s getting more and more turned off. So this is just not working for anybody.
There should be a way to get everyone thinking clearly here and get on the same page. She wants distance and …well… peace. He wants….. her of course. But even more important, he doesn’t want to look like a fool. So yes! I can help both teams here.
If you want to learn how to play this game go here:
http://takegiantsteps.simplelander.com/
…and sign in for the talk. Its starts on Tuesday August 27th 2013 at 7pm. All free. All me (with a little help from a friend).
But here’s a piece of it:
If you are a woman… get very clear on what you want. Before it all went “awry” what type of relationship… in detail… did you or do you want with this person. So many women I have dealt with just have a slight feeling around the relationship (or One-Big-Angry feeling)…. but have not put down – in detail – the type of relationship they want/had wanted with this person. Without definition there is wiggle room in many areas. Wiggle room that the guy can feel and is actually helping to draw him in closer that she would like.
Be very exact with your definition of the relationship, especially if it is getting “strange.” He will begin to feel your exactness and it will help provide direction. The more detailed the better.
Come to the talk! There’s more. It’ll be fun and enlightening.
UPDATE: The talk was a success. Great questions and Austin Pick…. my interviewer was a delight and right on point.
The 4 stages of Letting a Man down easy were discussed and now the women on the call are ready to handle the situations so that everyone wins. Remember …. when you objectify him (“he’s an ass or idiot”) he objectifies you. And then everyone is playing the game. Don’t fall into this trap.
(Since this talk has already happened…. email me now if you want a gift copy of the recorded audio)
Read MoreDoes evil live?
What is evil?
Our definition here is not iron clad. So many of them have come and gone through the ages. My own may differ from yours…. but I think this one may get close for most. And still, at the edges of the bell curve there is wiggle room and exactness may blurr.
Simply put, “evil” is the enacting of one’s values at another person’s expense. It is not only saying that something is highly important to “me”… but it is so important that I am willing to take from “you” to get it, taking away from your freedoms and rights as a human being.
We all have needs, wants, and desires that we are willing to fight for. Things and ideals that we demand to have in and from our lives. Things that we long for and strive for. And that is the way it should be, especially within a capitalist society such as the U.S. where competition is a strong value of the system itself. There are special places within this society for direct competition, where zero-sum game mentality is the norm and the rule (such as sporting events). But when a person takes or infringes on another person’s rights to have what they need/want/desire beyond these specific arenas it reaches beyond striving. Together, the last four of the ten commandments speak as a testament to this. Whether it breaks the legal rules or not, in general if it is an act of taking for personal gain specifically at another’s detriment it is ultimately nefarious.
Certain personalities find it easier to spin into this trap. Their narcissistic or psychopathic vision of reality drives them to not only fight into each thing they want, but justify damages along the way. Other personalities are not so extreme and extol minor versions of this. They are not so easily swayed to such radical ideals, yet smaller ideals just like this creep in anyways. In all versions, the one doing the behavior somehow justifies their behavior, and those of us who are watching experience a visceral reaction when we see it. We can almost smell it…. and when we do, it stinks.
When “evil” is extolled consciously it is bad enough. But when it is unconscious it is even worse. In this type of scenario at one level, at the conscious level, it seems that the person is speaking from truth, honesty, goodness. They are coming from a higher, wiser place. But at a deeper level, a level even they cannot even see, they are pressing forward from some panicked fear that hides within them and, at times, a seething anger that is looking to protect it…. One that is looking to manifest outside in the world at large. They are often not even aware of their behavior. You may recognize these people through their damage and consequent excuses and, rare but possible, apologies. Constant patterns of behavior that do not change, regardless of their words that often endlessly seek to diffuse or sidestep what was done. It is with these people that you pay attention to actions, not words, to determine where they are coming from and how to procede with them. They appear to not know what they are doing. You must be the one that is more vigilant.
When that person steps this up to a higher level, looking to impart their ideals upon the world at large, to indoctrinate others into their “philosophy” we have an even greater reaction to it. We may want to take up arms against their actions (figuratively or sometimes literally)… but that only hurts us as well. The pains they cause others have us believing that the only way to “stop them” is to meet force with force. But there is a better way. There is always a better way, a more evolved way to handle situations. One that has us take into account both the other person’s conscious desires to do good, to be a “good person” (most people, even in extreme cases, wat to see themselves as “good”), and their drive to get what they want at other people’s expense. The purpose is to evolve. It is always to evolve. So helping them to evolve is where our actions and our path lies. Justice has its place… but only when held in evolved ways of thinking. Love and caring has its place… but only when held in the same regard.
Always look for this. The way forward that honors all parties, all of theirs and yours. This will lead you into a place where you will not be in hate, but in love, honoring yourself, while finding room for justice. Closing doors to the continuation of negative behavior while opening the door to greater understanding and caring. Both are incredibly important and the higher you go up the ladder of understanding the more skillful you will need to be to maintain both of them in grace. In many ways evil is just a misunderstanding of the self… and if and when the person finally sees it, finally knows it and understands that this has been a functioning of theirs, they are forever moved and changed. Humbled by their own humanity. This is what we hope for and move towards.
There are deeper ways to address this. Within yourself, if you may feel or have experienced an imbalance, or when dealing with others, to curtail the unwanted behaviors and be a greater force in their own growth. Whether in an individual environment, or between couple/partners/associates…. TakeGiantSteps has more to share and teach here. Contact me at lyric@takegiantsteps.com.
Read MoreManagers are us
I’ve recently been “hired” by a local gym to discuss management and communication techniques. This is good. I’ll be teaching the trainers there how to find out more effectively what their clients want, what’s holding them back, and what will motivate them to get more involved in their health, wellness, and fitness.
It’s no small task. Trainers are q-u-i-c-k. They work intimately with their clients and people in general. They already understand pretty advanced techniques when it comes to training and relating. They are doing it every day. So it will be a tall task to give them information above and beyond what they already know.
No problem.
Most of the issue occurs around purpose and motivation. Here NLP is a good (although not the sole) technique to use.
First identify what is the exact issue in their way.
Then what type of personality style does that person function underneath? Do they respect more powerful ideas, more intelligent ideas, more heartfelt, or selfish…. ? I’ll teach them how to identify these and then the languaging to use around it.
Then there’s NLP. Here I’ll teach them to understand how to have their client do a simple technique to regain their state of motivation and how being present at their session gets them to their goals. It becomes a direct correlation from action to achievement.
The trainers should be thrilled to receive this. There is nothing more frustrating than to have half a client available during a session, and between sessions. Remember the more you put into your session, the more you get out of it. It is that simple. The more tools a trainer has to elicit and achieve this the better for them and their client.
Plus, I’m going to teach them how to be better employees! But that’s for another blog.
Till next time!
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